to die would be an awfully big adventure
That line comes from Peter Pan. It's a really good one, I think.
Every now and then I get these gut instincts/feelings. Something inside me a little stronger than raw intuition tells me to do something. I've been experiencing this for a while now. I first noticed how good or right my instincts seemed to be last year when people would talk to me about their troubles and I would tell them the first impression I got and said to go with that. A short time later I realized that my instincts were usually dead on for being appropriate.
Sometime this year I started to get a feeling so strong within me it felt like a little voice was leading me by the hand, directing me where to go. At first, I didn't like the knowledge of something within me dictating what I should do, but at the same time I knew it was right. It creeped me out and freaked me out for a while until I got used to it. And even a little later on I learned how to ignore this feeling or intuition or to "not listen" to this voice.
Over time my knowledge of these instincts and the way they behave has never served me wrong. I've learned about how to understand/sense/observe them on a much deeper level and how to use them to help my life. Tonight, these feelings told me I was going to die.
I immediately questioned these feelings and prayed about them and still felt as if I were going to die. Upon further searching of these feelings, I determined that logically I was fully capable of dying and having a peaceful death, but I was too attached to this world and what constitutes my life these days to let go. Not good.
Well, I eventually worked these feelings out onto paper and wrote down all I was thinking/feeling and made some final preparations for myself if I was actually going to die. The irony is, once I had made this instinct concrete, it started to fade. But before it did, I felt as if I looked the reality of death in the face.
I stopped and thought about how often I don't say 'I love you,' to people; I learned that pride is definitely worth shedding if it means better communion with others; I realized that too often I get caught up on things that DO NOT MATTER!!
I also found that I was scared of dying. I was not scared of leaving my physical body, but scared of leaving my physical life. I am so much in love with the life that I have that I do not want to give it up. I am so attached to the way things are that I could not bear the thought of doing without my everyday existence. I was extremely put off by this. I also thought about how I was going to die. That was uncomfortable. That's where the Peter Pan quote comes in; if I were to die and know I was going to die, that would be quite possibly the greatest (greatness judged by magnitude, not be 'good, better, best') thing I have ever done or achieved. Knowing that somehow equipped me to grow up.
I eventually calmed myself, obviously since I am typing all this, but I have fortunately been able to learn something. Even though it's been a quick 17 years here on Earth, I know I've had a pretty full life. I have also been told that I am one of the wisest guys in my school by a good group of people, and knowing that somehow enabled me to look at death and realize that my life shouldn't be more important than my death.
I learned tonight that there is no reason why my life should come before my death except in order of appearance. I then learned how to truly lose my life. Tonight, in the conversations with one of my best friends, I learned how to lose my physical life and to embrace my spiritual life, the only kind of life there is.
I've had a lot of questions about everything, but when you finally face death it ages you and wisens your mind to a whole new level of thinking. I wish there was a way to write down everything I felt, but I can't. Just know that I've finally found my heads or tails answer to the coin flip questions that define my life.
Every now and then I get these gut instincts/feelings. Something inside me a little stronger than raw intuition tells me to do something. I've been experiencing this for a while now. I first noticed how good or right my instincts seemed to be last year when people would talk to me about their troubles and I would tell them the first impression I got and said to go with that. A short time later I realized that my instincts were usually dead on for being appropriate.
Sometime this year I started to get a feeling so strong within me it felt like a little voice was leading me by the hand, directing me where to go. At first, I didn't like the knowledge of something within me dictating what I should do, but at the same time I knew it was right. It creeped me out and freaked me out for a while until I got used to it. And even a little later on I learned how to ignore this feeling or intuition or to "not listen" to this voice.
Over time my knowledge of these instincts and the way they behave has never served me wrong. I've learned about how to understand/sense/observe them on a much deeper level and how to use them to help my life. Tonight, these feelings told me I was going to die.
I immediately questioned these feelings and prayed about them and still felt as if I were going to die. Upon further searching of these feelings, I determined that logically I was fully capable of dying and having a peaceful death, but I was too attached to this world and what constitutes my life these days to let go. Not good.
Well, I eventually worked these feelings out onto paper and wrote down all I was thinking/feeling and made some final preparations for myself if I was actually going to die. The irony is, once I had made this instinct concrete, it started to fade. But before it did, I felt as if I looked the reality of death in the face.
I stopped and thought about how often I don't say 'I love you,' to people; I learned that pride is definitely worth shedding if it means better communion with others; I realized that too often I get caught up on things that DO NOT MATTER!!
I also found that I was scared of dying. I was not scared of leaving my physical body, but scared of leaving my physical life. I am so much in love with the life that I have that I do not want to give it up. I am so attached to the way things are that I could not bear the thought of doing without my everyday existence. I was extremely put off by this. I also thought about how I was going to die. That was uncomfortable. That's where the Peter Pan quote comes in; if I were to die and know I was going to die, that would be quite possibly the greatest (greatness judged by magnitude, not be 'good, better, best') thing I have ever done or achieved. Knowing that somehow equipped me to grow up.
I eventually calmed myself, obviously since I am typing all this, but I have fortunately been able to learn something. Even though it's been a quick 17 years here on Earth, I know I've had a pretty full life. I have also been told that I am one of the wisest guys in my school by a good group of people, and knowing that somehow enabled me to look at death and realize that my life shouldn't be more important than my death.
I learned tonight that there is no reason why my life should come before my death except in order of appearance. I then learned how to truly lose my life. Tonight, in the conversations with one of my best friends, I learned how to lose my physical life and to embrace my spiritual life, the only kind of life there is.
I've had a lot of questions about everything, but when you finally face death it ages you and wisens your mind to a whole new level of thinking. I wish there was a way to write down everything I felt, but I can't. Just know that I've finally found my heads or tails answer to the coin flip questions that define my life.
posted by geoff payne at 12:22 AM
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