A Generous Orthodoxy
I've been trying to read that for a while now. Actually, ever since Kevin gave it to me on the first day of the mission trip last year, so that makes it almost...7 months now? I guess so.
Anyway, it's been real hard to get into it, and usually just right when I do, I read and read and read and get so much out of it, and then something happens and I have to stop. Something being Pastor Herb's sermon is over or class is finished or I need to go and do something, so I've never been able to read about more than 1 chapter at a time.
Yesterda I knocked out almost 2 whole chapters and couldn't stop myself. I just kept reading and reading and reading. Just like always. I read here at home, I read once I got the chance to at church, and while I was taking my shower in between those two, I was contemplating all that I had read. I was beginning to think my good thoughts again.
And then, while I sat in Sunday School, I started to think how much I didn't really care for the music anymore. And then I started to think how things are going to look now that Kevin is gone. And when I sat down for the service in what some like to call "Big Church," I sat there and read saying that I could get more out of my book than listening to Pastor Herb. And then he made some sort of comment about something, and I criticized him for it to my friend Hunter, and then I also criticized his technique for preaching.
And then I realized I was out of control.
I had become too cynical. Way. Too. Cynical. I was so cynical I had already made up my mind that I was leaving Longbranch and never coming back if they couldn't get things together. I had decided that I didn't really need any or many of my friends because God will just provide for me. My newly developed cynicism had completely destroyed my "church experience" at Longbranch for me yesterday.
Now, I'm still cynical. I still want to finish "Orthodoxy" and learn new greater things, but I want my life back. I don't want to be this cynical at 17. I can't be this cynical at 17. I'm not smart enough, I'm not wise enough, I don't have enough credit by those who believe in me orknow me even. Why am I so cynical?
I know it comes from reading "Orthodoxy." And I know that this cynicism comes much like everything else in my life recently. I've had to give up almost every one of my desires and wants for God it seems like. I've been living a life that I don't really want lately.
My problem is that God is growing me up. HardxCore fast. He took away most of my social friends and gave me two rock solid accountability partners. He took away my desires for a girlfriend and gave me the most amazing, God-driven girl I've ever met. He's done a lot for me lately. A lot that I didn't want. A lot that I wouldn't mind settling for in 5 or 6 years, but not my senior year!
I'm very troubled. I very very recently thought my life would start to settle down back to a manageable pace, but instead God granted me the analytic thinking of highly trained expert professionals. It's killing me.
Anyway, it's been real hard to get into it, and usually just right when I do, I read and read and read and get so much out of it, and then something happens and I have to stop. Something being Pastor Herb's sermon is over or class is finished or I need to go and do something, so I've never been able to read about more than 1 chapter at a time.
Yesterda I knocked out almost 2 whole chapters and couldn't stop myself. I just kept reading and reading and reading. Just like always. I read here at home, I read once I got the chance to at church, and while I was taking my shower in between those two, I was contemplating all that I had read. I was beginning to think my good thoughts again.
And then, while I sat in Sunday School, I started to think how much I didn't really care for the music anymore. And then I started to think how things are going to look now that Kevin is gone. And when I sat down for the service in what some like to call "Big Church," I sat there and read saying that I could get more out of my book than listening to Pastor Herb. And then he made some sort of comment about something, and I criticized him for it to my friend Hunter, and then I also criticized his technique for preaching.
And then I realized I was out of control.
I had become too cynical. Way. Too. Cynical. I was so cynical I had already made up my mind that I was leaving Longbranch and never coming back if they couldn't get things together. I had decided that I didn't really need any or many of my friends because God will just provide for me. My newly developed cynicism had completely destroyed my "church experience" at Longbranch for me yesterday.
Now, I'm still cynical. I still want to finish "Orthodoxy" and learn new greater things, but I want my life back. I don't want to be this cynical at 17. I can't be this cynical at 17. I'm not smart enough, I'm not wise enough, I don't have enough credit by those who believe in me orknow me even. Why am I so cynical?
I know it comes from reading "Orthodoxy." And I know that this cynicism comes much like everything else in my life recently. I've had to give up almost every one of my desires and wants for God it seems like. I've been living a life that I don't really want lately.
My problem is that God is growing me up. HardxCore fast. He took away most of my social friends and gave me two rock solid accountability partners. He took away my desires for a girlfriend and gave me the most amazing, God-driven girl I've ever met. He's done a lot for me lately. A lot that I didn't want. A lot that I wouldn't mind settling for in 5 or 6 years, but not my senior year!
I'm very troubled. I very very recently thought my life would start to settle down back to a manageable pace, but instead God granted me the analytic thinking of highly trained expert professionals. It's killing me.
posted by geoff payne at 7:12 AM
3 Comments:
Thank you for your honesty. A lot of people would benefit from reading this post. You can find some posts I've left on this topic, although in a much different style, at http://thatisnotmyblog.blogspot.com. Thanks!
You are deepening.
Not like "your a 'deep' person Geoff" kind of thing...but depth into human experience due to more experiences, thoughts, and with it, responsibilities in dealing with your own ego...and not like "you have such an ego"...but the comprehension and understanding of your own thoughts, desires, actions and reactions, etc.
Honestly, if you want things to be 'the way they were', then quit thinking so much (which seems unlikely for you) and enjoy the moment...otherwise continue to move, grow, and develop.
Now, here's the kicker:
You know how sometimes when you are running downhill, you body can be moving faster than your feet can move? Don't run faster than your feet can move. Then you will have times that you trip (which totally throws off your rythm), and sometimes, you might even fall and skin your knees (or if you are running with a friend, you might trip them 'hunter'). Be able to run forward with a pace that strengthens and sharpens and causes effect; and enjoy the scenery around you as you jog. But what do I know - I'm to lazy to go jogging.
"Water that isn't moving is stagnant, and in the cold it freezes; I want to be someone who is moving somewhere...toward God" -R.M.
-k
Hey geoff,
Got your comment at my blog. I'd love you chat via email about it - my addy is in my profile - but here's a first reaction.
Cynycism is a common response when you're reading a book like G.O., which is a critique of the way the "modern" church goes about its business in the postmodern world. Thing is, it takes practice to read a book that is critical of its topic without becoming cynical about it. It will take some maturity to be able to read those kinds of books while remaining in the contexts they are critiquing.
See, I go to a modern, seeker-sensitive church. A big one. One would almost call it "mega-sized." NOw, those kinds of churches are at the heart of what Mclaren is criticizing them, but he's not criticizing them for being wrong. He's just saying they are the wrong tool for reaching certain kinds of people. I love my church, even if it isn't geared towards reaching me in particular. It reaches "modern" people very well, and those people need to be reached, so it's a good arrangement.
Thing is, geoff, there's no "right" way of doing church. Your church isn't wrong for being the way it is. And if this book is stretching you in that way, in a way you're not able to go right now (or ever, who knows) then stop reading. It's not even that great of a book. Sure, it says some good things, but if it's "ruining your life" than it's hardly worth it.
Give me a shout and we'll chat more.
Cheers,
Grey Owl
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