Closing Time

I got a little too...dramatic with this.
I've closed down shop.
See me at my blog homes.

KJW

I have reached a very new point in my relationship with my friend Kaitlin. A few weeks ago, I approached with the notion of dating. We had been strictly friends for a long time, but I eventually decided to ask her about the idea of dating.
She took to it quite nicely. She siad she was open for discussion about it, but that I was very confusing and she knew not what I was looking for and did not understand why I did some of the things I did if I was interested in dating her. Then she and I did not communicate for four days, and I decided to shove her off.
Now, things are getting back to good again. We are sort of friends like we used to be before, but ever since I let that first little bit of doubt into my mind, it's been hard to shut myself up. Ever since I embraced that first question so many months ago, it's been really hard to stop the thinking and stop the questioning, and stop the doubts and cynicism and so on.
So now everyday has a moderate shadow of confusion cast over it. Most days I just grin and bare it, but sometimes I get so frustrated with my confusions, that I really would like to have some scapegoat or vehicle on which to transfer all my troubles and heaviness to another place.
I proposed the idea of dating once more to Kaitlin. I decided, when I did this, that I think too much and that thinking usually stalls my momentum and that if I just make a decision and go with it, I'm making myself much more available to be happy and content and have peace. So I made a decision on the fly and proposed the idea that we date. She responded back to me in a rather coy manner, almost like she was flattered and pleased at the notion. I even wrote about on my blog what things I look for in a girl and she responded to that saying, "It looks like I'm your ideal girl. Now you just have to match my boy." I guess if I misread that to say she too is interested in dating then I must be making the most common mistake ever because she now has told me that she doesn't want to date me.
I don't understand her. She has recently decided to make it very clear to me that she has no desire to date me, not because it's me, because she doesn't feel like making that much time for somebody else in her life because of where she is in life. Yeah, I get that too. I don't want to die in August when we go our separate ways. I don't want to have my heartbroken because she is going one way with her life and I am going another.
But when I look back at all things, and I honestly consider things with truth, it makes sense. At the beginning of the year I was in desperate need of somebody to talk with and grow with because I had nobody in my peer level. Then I met her. She and I were able to talk. She and I had so much in common that it seemed like we were the same person almost. We were so exactly compatible, it seemed, that it freaked us out for a while. We were friends and we had feelings tested and we made each other mad, and you know what? I'm getting an impression of sorts that I believe that not dating would be something dumb. She and I have reached a point in our relationship where things aren't going to get much better without some sort of big committment. We're at the point where we can't have the same relationship we've been having. I honestly don't believe that.
So, I'm a little troubled. I'm a little confused. I'm a little okay. I might be those first two, but I'm still okay. I need some time to relax, forget about it all, and make up my mind.

geoff

La La La La La La La

To be a Christian is to be different.
I like being different, although sometimes I don't feel so different.
I get confused a lot. A whole lot. A lot more often than I would like, to be honest.
Sometimes I quit too easily, or too soon.
I like being a Christian.
Today needs to be a good day.
Today will be a good day.
Pray that it will. Pray for me, pray for you.
Just pray.

Amen

And the beat goes on

For quite some time now I have tried with all my being to avoid the taboo topic of love for homosexuals.
One of my friends is gay. At least, he has come to believe he is gay. His actual words to me were, "I like men."
I am very conservative in my thinking and believing, but God has blessed me with an incredible capacity for forgiveness compassion and wisdom so I can usually understand people with extremely liberal tendencies. But, that does not make me one of those people.
I firmly, with total disregard for science, do NOT believe that a person can be born gay. To be gay is to sin, and God would not Create one of His own to forever live a slave to sin.
Here's where the lines to start to go fuzzy and gray on me.
For a man, desire for a woman is temptation, and acting upon that desire (lust) is the sin. For a gay man, is the desire for a man the sin just as much as acting upon it? I think so. I don't know concretely yet, I'm waiting for someone to draw me a picture.
Because, if simply having homosexual desires is only a temptation, then a man could admit that he is attracted to men and still not sin as long as he practices celibacy, correct? But, if having homosexual desires is the original sin, then the person would live their whole life a slave to sin, right?
I only ask because I've somehow managed to avoid this topic for quite a long time now, but unfortunately now is the time for me to pick my side (forgive my crude terminology).
I care about my friend, and regardless of his prefered orientation I will always care for him and embrace the sinner, not the sin, but I am a little confused.

On another note, I'm stuck. I feel as if I am without direction. I just really don't feel a sense of security in some of the things I do. I have lost my guidance somewhere. All I really want for me right at the moment is to just find my way back, or to rediscover that the track is still laying beneath my feet.

geoff

A Generous Orthodoxy

I've been trying to read that for a while now. Actually, ever since Kevin gave it to me on the first day of the mission trip last year, so that makes it almost...7 months now? I guess so.
Anyway, it's been real hard to get into it, and usually just right when I do, I read and read and read and get so much out of it, and then something happens and I have to stop. Something being Pastor Herb's sermon is over or class is finished or I need to go and do something, so I've never been able to read about more than 1 chapter at a time.
Yesterda I knocked out almost 2 whole chapters and couldn't stop myself. I just kept reading and reading and reading. Just like always. I read here at home, I read once I got the chance to at church, and while I was taking my shower in between those two, I was contemplating all that I had read. I was beginning to think my good thoughts again.
And then, while I sat in Sunday School, I started to think how much I didn't really care for the music anymore. And then I started to think how things are going to look now that Kevin is gone. And when I sat down for the service in what some like to call "Big Church," I sat there and read saying that I could get more out of my book than listening to Pastor Herb. And then he made some sort of comment about something, and I criticized him for it to my friend Hunter, and then I also criticized his technique for preaching.
And then I realized I was out of control.
I had become too cynical. Way. Too. Cynical. I was so cynical I had already made up my mind that I was leaving Longbranch and never coming back if they couldn't get things together. I had decided that I didn't really need any or many of my friends because God will just provide for me. My newly developed cynicism had completely destroyed my "church experience" at Longbranch for me yesterday.
Now, I'm still cynical. I still want to finish "Orthodoxy" and learn new greater things, but I want my life back. I don't want to be this cynical at 17. I can't be this cynical at 17. I'm not smart enough, I'm not wise enough, I don't have enough credit by those who believe in me orknow me even. Why am I so cynical?
I know it comes from reading "Orthodoxy." And I know that this cynicism comes much like everything else in my life recently. I've had to give up almost every one of my desires and wants for God it seems like. I've been living a life that I don't really want lately.
My problem is that God is growing me up. HardxCore fast. He took away most of my social friends and gave me two rock solid accountability partners. He took away my desires for a girlfriend and gave me the most amazing, God-driven girl I've ever met. He's done a lot for me lately. A lot that I didn't want. A lot that I wouldn't mind settling for in 5 or 6 years, but not my senior year!
I'm very troubled. I very very recently thought my life would start to settle down back to a manageable pace, but instead God granted me the analytic thinking of highly trained expert professionals. It's killing me.

Keep it simple, stupid

My blogging has gone out of control. I'm completely out of touch with my charge.
My life is not very simple any more. It was for a long time before I created this blog, and it was during the early days, but school has knocked my life helter skelter. I need a break from all things draining.
I have noticed that I get derailed real easily, and when I do, it's very hard for me to find encouragement enough to get back on the tracks of life. So, I need to be more of a self starter. That's honestly the biggest lesson I'm learning this year. I know I'll learn it because I've got plenty of time for that kind of discipline, graduation isn't until June 8th, but just the same I'd rather teach myself now so I can have it for later. I've done it once. It was cool. It was like a little church service all for me. That was pretty sweet.
Anyway, I need to encourage myself.
Right now, though, I want some Starbucks and Schlotsky's.
Okay. I'll be practicing the art of self-discipline in the name of God if you need me.

Umm...whatever

My life has changed dramatically over the past few weeks. Some for the better, some not so much. I've gone through a lot, but I feel more like I put myself through a lot.
Most recently, Kevin and Nick left the church. Kevin left to go start a new church in Red Oak so he's no longer going to be around as much. I'll still see him, but probably not as much. I was going to see him in a few days to get my money back, but somebody cut me a check from the church instead. So I don't rightly know when the next time I'll see him is.
Nick, the Youth Ministry Intern, left to go to Bangor, Maine to transfer schools. On his last day I spent over 8 hours with him at Taco Bell in town. It was a really great time. I'm really going to miss him, even though we never had much of a friendship like now before then.
Two other things have popped up as well. I finally figured out how to have church with myself and to teach myself from the Bible. Quite honestly, that exactly what I have to do with my life right now. Kevin's not around to teach me as much anymore, neither my dad nor I have time enough in a day to sit and have a Bible study, and beyond that I don't really trust many other Christians around me just because I have some very high specific needs that need to be met when I learn. So, I need to figure out how to teach myself more often, how to go deeper, and how to keep it regular.
Lastly, I finally met my long time friend Kaitlin from Waxahachie. I'm not real sure how she and I were able to maintain such a friendship for so long, three months, without ever seeing each other and only talking on the internet through blogging or emails, or by way of text message. But she I and have been friends ever since, and I really feel like she is a little bit where my life needs to be right at the moment. Everything was honestly a bed of roses, so to say, until last night when she shared with me her testimony and for some reason I just couldn't connect with her. Everything has been amazingly well since Day 1, but when she shared he testimony with me I just couldn't feel it. It was like the connection we had had was damaged or even severed. I'm not real sure what, I'm still confused and in prayer about it, but I will get to the bottom of this somehow.
Okay, I've spilled my guts sufficiently now. I will say that this blog seems a little pointless now because I realize that not many people read this. Actually, I think the only people who check in time to time are Kevin and maybe Jessie, and I haven't heard from her in months, and Kevin is probably too busy right now with his new life so I'm fairly confident that my words are read by me alone.
Never the less, I will still write because it's good to get some of these feelings out.