KJW
I have reached a very new point in my relationship with my friend Kaitlin. A few weeks ago, I approached with the notion of dating. We had been strictly friends for a long time, but I eventually decided to ask her about the idea of dating.
She took to it quite nicely. She siad she was open for discussion about it, but that I was very confusing and she knew not what I was looking for and did not understand why I did some of the things I did if I was interested in dating her. Then she and I did not communicate for four days, and I decided to shove her off.
Now, things are getting back to good again. We are sort of friends like we used to be before, but ever since I let that first little bit of doubt into my mind, it's been hard to shut myself up. Ever since I embraced that first question so many months ago, it's been really hard to stop the thinking and stop the questioning, and stop the doubts and cynicism and so on.
So now everyday has a moderate shadow of confusion cast over it. Most days I just grin and bare it, but sometimes I get so frustrated with my confusions, that I really would like to have some scapegoat or vehicle on which to transfer all my troubles and heaviness to another place.
I proposed the idea of dating once more to Kaitlin. I decided, when I did this, that I think too much and that thinking usually stalls my momentum and that if I just make a decision and go with it, I'm making myself much more available to be happy and content and have peace. So I made a decision on the fly and proposed the idea that we date. She responded back to me in a rather coy manner, almost like she was flattered and pleased at the notion. I even wrote about on my blog what things I look for in a girl and she responded to that saying, "It looks like I'm your ideal girl. Now you just have to match my boy." I guess if I misread that to say she too is interested in dating then I must be making the most common mistake ever because she now has told me that she doesn't want to date me.
I don't understand her. She has recently decided to make it very clear to me that she has no desire to date me, not because it's me, because she doesn't feel like making that much time for somebody else in her life because of where she is in life. Yeah, I get that too. I don't want to die in August when we go our separate ways. I don't want to have my heartbroken because she is going one way with her life and I am going another.
But when I look back at all things, and I honestly consider things with truth, it makes sense. At the beginning of the year I was in desperate need of somebody to talk with and grow with because I had nobody in my peer level. Then I met her. She and I were able to talk. She and I had so much in common that it seemed like we were the same person almost. We were so exactly compatible, it seemed, that it freaked us out for a while. We were friends and we had feelings tested and we made each other mad, and you know what? I'm getting an impression of sorts that I believe that not dating would be something dumb. She and I have reached a point in our relationship where things aren't going to get much better without some sort of big committment. We're at the point where we can't have the same relationship we've been having. I honestly don't believe that.
So, I'm a little troubled. I'm a little confused. I'm a little okay. I might be those first two, but I'm still okay. I need some time to relax, forget about it all, and make up my mind.
geoff
She took to it quite nicely. She siad she was open for discussion about it, but that I was very confusing and she knew not what I was looking for and did not understand why I did some of the things I did if I was interested in dating her. Then she and I did not communicate for four days, and I decided to shove her off.
Now, things are getting back to good again. We are sort of friends like we used to be before, but ever since I let that first little bit of doubt into my mind, it's been hard to shut myself up. Ever since I embraced that first question so many months ago, it's been really hard to stop the thinking and stop the questioning, and stop the doubts and cynicism and so on.
So now everyday has a moderate shadow of confusion cast over it. Most days I just grin and bare it, but sometimes I get so frustrated with my confusions, that I really would like to have some scapegoat or vehicle on which to transfer all my troubles and heaviness to another place.
I proposed the idea of dating once more to Kaitlin. I decided, when I did this, that I think too much and that thinking usually stalls my momentum and that if I just make a decision and go with it, I'm making myself much more available to be happy and content and have peace. So I made a decision on the fly and proposed the idea that we date. She responded back to me in a rather coy manner, almost like she was flattered and pleased at the notion. I even wrote about on my blog what things I look for in a girl and she responded to that saying, "It looks like I'm your ideal girl. Now you just have to match my boy." I guess if I misread that to say she too is interested in dating then I must be making the most common mistake ever because she now has told me that she doesn't want to date me.
I don't understand her. She has recently decided to make it very clear to me that she has no desire to date me, not because it's me, because she doesn't feel like making that much time for somebody else in her life because of where she is in life. Yeah, I get that too. I don't want to die in August when we go our separate ways. I don't want to have my heartbroken because she is going one way with her life and I am going another.
But when I look back at all things, and I honestly consider things with truth, it makes sense. At the beginning of the year I was in desperate need of somebody to talk with and grow with because I had nobody in my peer level. Then I met her. She and I were able to talk. She and I had so much in common that it seemed like we were the same person almost. We were so exactly compatible, it seemed, that it freaked us out for a while. We were friends and we had feelings tested and we made each other mad, and you know what? I'm getting an impression of sorts that I believe that not dating would be something dumb. She and I have reached a point in our relationship where things aren't going to get much better without some sort of big committment. We're at the point where we can't have the same relationship we've been having. I honestly don't believe that.
So, I'm a little troubled. I'm a little confused. I'm a little okay. I might be those first two, but I'm still okay. I need some time to relax, forget about it all, and make up my mind.
geoff
posted by geoff payne at 4:33 PM
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