Casey-err-Geoffrey at the Bat

So, I had a revelation yesterday. My decreased mood and somber attitude towards life in general has been thanks to the fact that I find my number of close confidants around zero to none. This is not the revelation, but simply where I left off.
My first attempt to find a friend for the year, was with Josh Headrick. Josh and I hung out all summer long, and we were close chums throughout the summer, and he called me regularly. However, when his ex-girlfriend called him up, and sparks began to fly (once again) between those two, he left. He started spending all his time with Emily, and less time with me. That's fine. Everyone has the socially given right to do what they please, with whomever they please.
Strike One.
My next attempt to find a friend for the year, was in Amanda Ocampo. Amanda and I had a great friendship last year, and we really understood each other. If circumstances had been more fortunate, we probably would have ended up dating each other last year. This year, though, she reunited with her ex-boyfriend, over the summer, and has been dreading that all summer, but she will not do anything about it. I made several attempts to disuade her from staying with this guy (for her sake, not my own), but she won't do it. So, I let her be, and our friendship fizzled out early on like a bad fire cracker.
Strike Two.
My last attempt was with Robyn Schrodt. She was dating a rival of mine for the longest time, but they eventually broke up. After they did, Robyn and I became friends. And that was all I sought, friendship. Robyn and I talked together, walked together, text messaged each other constantly, but one day it stopped. Why? Yes, a lover. Jay, my rival, her ex-boyfriend called. He called just trying to make peace. But, there was no peace in my heart about it. As quickly as our friendship began, it was over even quicker. Robyn forgot about me and focused all her time on Jay. I knew she shouldn't, she knew she shouldn't, most everybody told her not to, but she has the right to do what she pleases.
Strike Three.
I'm Out.
So that brings me to now. The perpetual discouragement from failed relationships has overwhelmed me with sorrow. And depression. And despair. I have, at certain times, wished death over life, because I did not want to live if living meant being so alone. Relationships are major concepts in my mind, and they are at the top of my list as far as things of value are concerned. Three huge losses like that, back to back to back, really cuts a person down.
Fortunately, with God, you get Nine Innings. Unfortunately, it's really hard to step up to the plate, again, after such an embarassing and horrific upset.
I don't know what is next in my life, but I am clinging on to the hope that, if I believe it and believe it in God, it will happen.

Today

I think I'm okay. I don't know how to explan it, but I think I'm fine.
I'm not willing to put money on that, but I think I am either currently okay, or I will be very shortly. I'm a little confused, but okay. A little discouraged, but okay.

???

The other night (Friday, September 16th, to be exact), I told my parents I would go on to bed after checking my e-mail. And I did. Sort of. After I finished checking my e-mail, I did some blogging, and some other general surfing, and then it happened.
Some link I must haved clicked on, somewhere, brought me to a page with some pretty crude images. The pictures that were sitting before my very eyes were most definitely not pictures I would want to be caught looking at. However, these pictures led to my fall.
I'm not so sure if it was because I had finally put a long, bad week behind me, or if it was because it was about 11:30 at night, or what, but I didn't stop with those images. I initiated a search and in about 10 seconds, I suddenly had the full complement of google.com's photo inventory at my disposal.
The whole time, I knew I should stop. The whole time, I was scared I couldn't. Somehow, through the grace of God, I did. I then quickly proceeded to burn my bridges, and build a wall between my crimes and myself. I went to bed, grosssly embarassed and ashamed. I didn't have peace. Somehow, through God freeing me from the internet, he bound me to an oath. I had to tell my dad.
I just knew that God wanted me to not only confess my sins to Him, but to my earthly/biological father as well. That was just about the hardest thing I have ever done. All day Saturday I was miserable, because I had not told my father yet, and God withheld the feeling of comfort and satisfaction that comes with a good day. But after I told my dad, it took all I had to not enjoy the day.

However, I have some more important issues. I have been "hearing," for lack of a better phrase, voices in my head. I guess I should say "a voice" instead of "voices" because it's the same singular voice everytime. But, after two days of hearing this voice inside my head, I am almost convinced that it is God, trying to communicate with me. When I have needs, and I offer them to God in a short, quiet prayer, I almost instantly feel as if some person inside me gives me some sort of answer. And the answer is ALWAYS right. I successfully predicted exactly how I would play Sunday afternoon/evening all because of what this voice in my head said to me. I had an absolutely horrible day yesterday because I tried to block out the voice. Am I going crazy? I know this probably sounds weird, but imagine how I feel hearing this voice. I am having a hard, hard time shaking the fact that I think I am hearing the direct Spoken Word of God through the Holy Spirit. Somebody help me here. This is freaking me out.

Uhhh...help?

I really need some prayer right about now. I hate to sound whiney, but I really do. I'm too impatient to wait for things to right themselves, so I want prayer now. I could really use some prayer. My computer at home is down, so it might be a while before I can post here again. So, do me a HUGE favor and pray for me.
And since Kevin is probably the only person who reads this, I guess I'll just let you know, I'm struggling with being lonely. I really am. I have very few people who I trust to talk about things in general, and I feel very alone. I really need somebody. Don't know if it's a girlfriend or just another human being I can talk with, but I need somebody. Somebody who appreciates my contribution to the human race. See ya around, amigo.

geoff

Man...

Guys, I'm tired. I really am. Somewhere along the way, I have run out of energy. I am tired. Burned out on blogging, my hands are numb from writing, and my mind won't think anymore. School is taking its toll on me.
I need a vacation.

Okay, well, I'm back

After about three days of doubting, thinking, and questioning, I realized something. I can't think through or disprove God in any way. I'm kind of embarassed. I have nothing great and important to say, except now that I'm back amongst my fellow teenagers, senior-itis has DEFINITELY set in, and I'm startng to have those moments where I fall into being just like everbody else. Untill I can get out of my schlum, I think I'm just going to sign-off of blogging here for now. Xanga needs me. And I need Xanga.
Thanks for the concerns, they were helpful.

geoff
P.S.
If you're going to give somebody meat, cook it first so they can eat it. Duh.